I’ve noticed a trend lately in conversations with clients — their relationships split apart because they overlooked or ignored red flags or incompatibilities early on in their relationships.

I have long made the point that the small things we overlook in the beginning of a relationship are very often the exact things that come back around and break them apart.

It’s natural to get excited about someone new, lose yourself in the passion and romance of the lust and love — but, we must also be realistic about compatibility.

It’s when we fail to ask: “Can I really build a life and future with this person?” that we face problems down the road.

The best defense against this is open and honest communication about things that really matter.

Be honest and truthful with each other about these topics to make sure that you’re on the same page…and on the same path.

1: Financial realities.

Nobody likes to talk about money. It can be awkward.

But — I’m starting here because I’m hearing about finances being the source of divorce or conflict a lot from my clients.

It’s a huge and necessary part of life, and understanding each other’s position and trajectory is important when it comes to decision making.

Will bills be split 50/50, or will you pay 70% if you make 70% of the household income?

Will one of you stay home? How much will you allocate for savings, travel, or fun expenses?

If one of you wants to make a big purchase, what’s the process there?

And — here’s a very important one: If one partner makes substantially more money, does the other partner still feel like they can contribute to important decisions? Or are you entering a situation where money equals authority? (It shouldn’t, but the truth is that it often does).

Discussing finances can be uncomfortable — but guessing about your partner’s financial status without knowing how they really feel or where they stand can lead to assumptions that may cause conflicts down the road.

2: Having kids (or not), and the values they’ll be raised with (or not).

At this stage in the game it’s likely you know where each partner stands when it comes to kids. Do they want any? If so, how many?

Deeper than that, though, are the values and behaviors that we strive to instill in future generations.

Our own upbringings influence how we approach parenting — did you grow up in similar households with similar norms? Or are you approaching family dynamics from opposite ends of the spectrum?

Will they be raised in your religion (if you have one)? Where will they go to school? What will they be taught about?

Having this topic out in the open will help avoid arguments over expectations down the road.

3: Religious views (or lack thereof).

This is obviously a big one, as it dictates many areas of life. Religion can influence our social surroundings, our value systems, our living arrangements, our family dynamics, and how we are going to raise our kids.

Religion typically falls under the “don’t talk about that” umbrella, but all that does is leave you in the dark about someone’s beliefs (or lack thereof).

Plus — your religion will also dictate where you get married in the first place. Is it more important to one of you than the other? How about your families?

Understanding how each other fundamentally views the world and/or a higher power (again, or lack thereof) is something we need to do before making a lifelong commitment.

4: Where, and how, you want to live.

A relationship is a team, and a team is a set of people who work together towards a common goal.

One of those major goals is the lifestyle you’re both committed to creating. Do you want to live in a city? In the country? In the suburbs?

Do you want a house, or a condo? Rent, or buy?

Do you need a yard for kids, or a small place because you’ll prioritize travel?

The questions are varied, but the answer is the illustration of the place where you want your life together to happen.

If you can create a cohesive vision for the where and the why, then you will work together towards the how.

5: Political stances.

Often intertwined with, but separated from, religion.

It’s 2023, and given the world we live in, political affiliation is more divisive than ever before. It’s also, usually, more out in the open than it used to be.

But, it’s another topic that we tend to avoid since it can cause so much conflict. And politics isn’t just some random part of life shoved off to the side — it is reflective of your human value system.

If you lean in opposite directions politically, you’ll more likely be going in opposite directions in life.

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I invite your thoughts in the comments or email replies as always.

You’re awesome,

-James Michael Sama